Friday, 21 October 2016

What Have I Learnt About Friendship?


I genuinely do believe that friendships can be more complicated than love sometimes. Some people say that relationships should come with a manual, but I definitely feel that way when it comes to friendships. 

It's funny really... how much dynamics within friendships can change, and how one minute you are so close to someone and the next thing you know, you don't speak anymore. I definitely feel like this applied mainly to girls - lets be honest theres always bitchiness, backstabbing and gossiping which goes on within any group of friends! With boys and men, everything is so much more clear cut and they are either friends or not! 

I wanted to write a post based around friendships because I do feel as though I have a good leg to stand on with offering advice about how to identify between good friends and bad ones. 


 


The word 'friendship' refers to "a state of mutual trust and support" and comparing the definition with some of my past friendships, has really made me consider the factors about why some have worked and why some have gone terribly wrong. From really analysing this definition I have had a really good think and it has become much clearer in my head what has been missing in my friendships to cause them to break down. Was it a lack of mutual trust or was it support?

The absence of mutual trust could refer to a friendship breakdown from someone breaking your trust and telling your deepest darkest secrets, it could be someone acting on your weaknesses and using this against you, it could be a pure lack of respect for you - it could be caused by so many reasons! A lack of support causing a friendship to deteriorate could refer to copying and competition as opposed to appreciating someone else's strengths and letting them have their moment, it could be 'not being there' for someone at a time of need or it could be that someone just doesn't mirror the support which you provide! 

Looking back now, I have said goodbye to some friends for both reasons combined, and if you cannot even manage to be supportive OR trustworthy then why are we friends? The main reasons I have ended previous friendships is for reasons such as a lack of appreciation for me not wanting to do something or go somewhere, because someone decided to back stab or chat about me behind my back, or because of complicated reasons such as not really understanding the full reason or meaning of our friendship anymore. 




Learning really hard lessons in my teenage years and also even in the last couple of years has really made me appreciate exactly why I am friends with certain individuals now. Everyone in my close circle of friends has got a purpose and I can easily tick the box of support and mutual trust beside each person! What the past has made me realise is that I really do not need friends who compete with me, who I do not feel I could go to with a problem, who backstab, who enjoy seeing you fail, who do not appreciate what you do or have already done for them, or who feel its appropriate to comment on personal life choices that you make. 

What I have also learnt over the years is how I am a terrible judge of character. I like to think I give everyone a chance, which I do and I think that this is quite a good quality to have. However, somehow this never works in my favour, and for some reason I always end up learning the hard way! I don't think that this is an element of my personality which I will ever be able to change, its just me. The aspect of my personality which mainly does work in my favour and ensures that a person never has the opportunity to hurt me again, is that I never fully forgive someone and I never forget. You can pretty much guarantee with me, that if someone has hurt me and broken my trust - they will never have the opportunity to be let close to me again. I never make the same mistake twice with the same person. The way I am once I have been hurt can only be described as 'ruthless', I won't let you stick around the hurt me again and again so our friendship is over. I sometimes wonder if this element of my personality is a repercussion of something which has happened to me in earlier life, but I am basically just not a person for 2nd chances. Only one person in my life so far has had a second chance, and luckily it has worked in my favour and we are stronger than ever! 




When I meet people, I just want to be everyones best friend and I always envisage us becoming the best of friends and making memories and all the rest - I really do think I am quite a good friend in the beginning and throughout. This is why I can never understand why friendships seem to deteriorate, and sometimes SO SO badly that I just cannot understand why. Yes, I know - everyone has their flaws but I would never say I go out of my way to ever hurt anybody, and I would NEVER break someones trust ever. Some of the things that have been done to me by so called friends, I would never even do to someone I didn't know. 

All of the lessons I have learnt from past friendships have really taught me to appreciate the very few but amazing friends I have got now. I am very lucky to be surrounded by an amazing bunch of friends and we all consider ourselves to be a little family. Boys and girls included - every single individual has got their place! 




I guess what I wanted to really get from creating this post, is the hope that some of you reading this have learnt a little bit about how friendship, about how it changes and alters and about what the true meaning of it is. I know that some of you reading this may be a little bit younger, possibly still in school? and you may be struggling a little bit with groups of friends, not understanding why you are falling out so much, and I guess just wondering whether it will always be the same? I am telling you right now - nothing will be the same as it is now, and you will look back in 2 or 4 or even 8 years time and think - why did I care so much about what that person or that bunch of people thought? Even at a young age, friendships are all based on the same things - mutual trust and support, so therefore you can really analyse your friendships and question if the problem is based on a link in this being missing? Nothing really changes with friendships breaking down, at 24 and at 15 the reason they don't work is because something is missing.




What do we all think of the saying 'we grew apart'? Again this is something I am not entirely sure of. I think it must be because something is missing again, causing a friendship to break down - either you didn't trust each other enough to need each other, or the support was never entirely there to need their friendship that much. Thinking back on the friends I 'grew apart' from, they all are no longer around for a reason. 

Someone said to me the other day, you only really have one friend you can truly trust. It got me thinking. Yes, I have lots of friends who I can rely on for different reasons, but would I tell each and every single friend anything and everything about me? No, I would not. I have certain friends who I would tell particular things to, it doesn't mean I don't fully trust them, it just means I don't think they would care to know about that particular piece of information. I do think of all of my friends, I have one person I would tell every single thing to and never be judged. Good, bad, ugly, personal, scary, happy, exciting, irrelevant - I could tell them anything and I know they would not tell anyone, judge, care TOO much (not in a bad way, but caring TOO much makes you judge more). I think its important to identify this person, especially when you are feeling low and like you have nobody - just remember the person you can truly confide in. 

All I am saying is, friends are important - you do need them. Identify the ones who make you happy, who you can trust, who bring something positive to your life and who support you. Also on the same note, keeping friends close to you involves an effort coming from yourself too - a conscious effort to keep your friends happy too! Support them, be there for them in their time of need, spend time with them, ask them how they are, keep in contact - friendship is a 2 way street, remember


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I really hope that amongst this post somewhere you have managed to either learn something about friendship, realise something about yours, consider what makes someone a good friend, establish who you can trust and rely on. One of the main aims of this post was to help some people out there who are possibly struggling with friends and really considering what is going wrong with a current friendship that they have. I am definitely the kind of person who searches online for advice when I am going through a particular problem, whether it be to look for blogposts, videos on youtube, or even little quotes on pinterest - I am always searching for some advice or inspiration as to why I am feeling a particular way. I just want this to be a post you can come to, and not feel alone and understand that you are not the only person out there who struggles with 'friendships'. All you need to remember is, can you trust this person? and do they support you? - if the answer is no to both of these, then you may have figured out what the problem is. 

Much Love

Lauren
x


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2 comments

  1. Loved this post Lauren! I totally agree with all your points too.

    Gemma xxx

    gemsblgostorey.com

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  2. love this post. friendships are very delicate and they do change in time, it's normal. As you, I have a close group of friends I can rely on even blind.

    Instead there are others that are letting me down all the time and I gave them million second chances (I tend to do) but that's enough, I am tired of caring for people who don't care for me in the same way. Can you believe I haven't seen one of my closest friend for 3 months because she was busy? And we live like 10 minutes away! Nonsense.

    xx from italy
    Cate ღ kate/idoscope.com

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